When what you want starts to define you

There was someone I thought I wanted to marry. I think I had the right intention, and I prayed istikhara, asking Allah to guide me toward what was good. But every time I did, it seemed like the door was closing further and further.

And I kept denying it. I didn’t want it to be that way.

I was so attached to marrying this specific person that I started to feel like, if it didn’t happen, I wasn’t good enough. Why wasn’t I good enough for her? Why was she like this? What could I do differently? So many thoughts, so much questioning. My own happiness stopped mattering as much as getting this one outcome.

Eventually, I learned things that made our incompatibility clearer. This wasn’t the relationship I actually wanted. I wanted a healthy marriage, with peace, love, and care. In the Quran, Allah describes spouses living together in tranquility, with love and kindness between them.¹ That wasn’t what I was experiencing at the beginning of this relationship.

Looking back, I’m grateful it ended. I see that as protection, even though I can’t know everything that would have happened if it had continued.

What I want to talk about is that attachment. Sometimes we want a person, a job, a business, or a title so much that it becomes part of who we think we are. Then, when it doesn’t work out, we start questioning our worth.

I’ve noticed this in my own life. I’ve also noticed connections between things I learned from Joe Dispenza’s Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself and things I’m learning as a Muslim. I want to share some of those connections, along with practical steps you can try.

When thinking becomes too much

I think a lot. I like to read, I like to learn, and I like to understand things. But sometimes I notice that I’m thinking about the future, replaying the past, or trying to predict exactly how something is going to happen.

At that point, I try to remind myself that thinking is a tool. I can use it to plan and make decisions without giving every repeated thought all of my attention. I don’t need to keep working through the same situation all day.

This is when I use what Dispenza calls induction. I bring my attention back to my body and the space around me, instead of continuing to follow the same thoughts.

As a Muslim, I also want to remember Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala. Dhikr means remembering Him. The Quran connects that remembrance with peace in the heart.² In the hadith of Jibril, the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, explains ihsan through worshipping Allah with awareness that He sees you.³

That awareness matters to me. When I notice myself getting irritated, for example, I want to remember Allah before I let the irritation decide how I speak or act.

The steps I took from the book

Dispenza’s method has seven steps: induction, recognizing, admitting and declaring, surrendering, observing and reminding, redirecting, and creating and rehearsing.⁴

I used to practice the full meditation. These days, the parts I use most often are induction, recognizing, admitting, and surrendering. As I’ve learned more about Islam, I’ve noticed parallels with reflecting on my behavior, repenting, and trusting Allah.

I’m drawing on selected exercises here and describing how I use them as a Muslim. This is my adaptation, not a claim that the book’s seven steps are a prescribed Islamic act of worship.

Start by bringing your attention back

Induction is the preparation for the meditation. The book gives two options, which I’ll briefly describe here.⁵

• Body parts and space. Sit comfortably and bring your attention to one part of your body, then another. Notice the three-dimensional space each part occupies. Gradually include your whole body, then the space around it and the room you’re in.
• Water rising. Imagine warm water slowly rising around your body, from your feet upward. Notice the imagined feeling as it surrounds each area, eventually your whole body. This is a visualization while sitting comfortably, with ordinary breathing.

The part that matters to me is where I put my attention. If I notice that I’m back to predicting the future or replaying the past, I return to the exercise. I don’t need to work out my whole life before I can pay attention to where I am now.

You can use one of these exercises as a starting point. The book and its companion resources give the full instructions.⁵

Recognize what you’re doing

After that, look honestly at the pattern you want to change.

Maybe you keep replaying a conversation. Maybe you get irritated quickly. Maybe you’ve started to believe that one person’s acceptance will prove that you’re good enough.

For me, recognizing the pattern means noticing that I’m doing it, rather than continuing automatically. If I don’t recognize it, how am I going to change it?

Admit it, and be clear about what you want to change

I want to be honest with Allah about what I’ve been doing. Where I’ve sinned, I need to ask forgiveness and turn back to Him. The Quran calls us to seek forgiveness and repent.⁶

I also want to be clear with myself. If I’m getting irritated and reacting badly, I want to change how I respond. If I’ve become attached to a person, I want to recognize how that attachment is affecting me.

I’m trying to examine my behavior without going back to blaming myself for not being good enough. In that relationship, I needed to pay attention to what I was allowing my attachment to lead me into.

Surrender the outcome

With marriage, I eventually had to ask myself what I actually wanted. Was it this specific person at any cost? Or was it a good relationship, with someone compatible, where we could care for each other and seek Allah’s pleasure?

This is why the du’a of istikhara means so much to me. The Prophet, peace be upon him, taught us to ask Allah to facilitate and bless what is good for our religion, livelihood, and outcome. If the matter is harmful, we ask Him to turn it away from us and turn us away from it, then grant us what is good and make us content with it.⁷

That includes being willing to move away from something I thought I wanted.

Notice when the pattern returns, and practice another response

The remaining steps give me a way to keep paying attention after that initial reflection.

I observe what I’m doing and remind myself what I wanted to change. When I notice the old response, I try to redirect it. Then I can imagine how I would handle a similar situation differently.

I get irritated sometimes, so this is a useful example for me. I can imagine noticing the irritation, pausing, breathing, and choosing how to respond before I speak. I’m rehearsing an action I can take. I don’t have to imagine every detail of a future relationship or job and then insist that life follow that picture.

Remember who you’re trusting

It’s easy to say that we trust Allah when everything is going well. It’s harder when something we wanted is being taken away, or when we can’t understand what is happening.

That’s one reason I want to keep reading the Quran and learning Allah’s names. I want to remember who I’m turning to.

• Al-’Alim and Al-Hakim, the All-Knowing and All-Wise. Both names appear in Al-Baqarah 2:32. I don’t have all the information when I decide that one outcome must be best for me.
• Al-Latif and Al-Khabir, the Most Subtle and All-Aware. Al-Mulk 67:14 connects these names with Allah’s knowledge of His creation.
• Ar-Rahim and Al-Wadud, the Merciful and Most Loving. These descriptions appear alongside the call to seek forgiveness and repent in Hud 11:90.

And when I think about gentleness, I remember the hadith in which the Prophet, peace be upon him, tells Aisha that Allah is gentle and loves gentleness.⁸ Another narration describes Allah as more merciful to His servants than a mother to her child.⁹

The remembrance taught after prayer also reminds us that no one can prevent what Allah gives or give what He withholds.¹⁰ These are things I want to remember when I start acting as if everything depends on one person’s response.

The story of Musa and the servant of Allah in Surah Al-Kahf helps me think about the limits of my own knowledge:

Later, we learn that the boat was damaged because a king was seizing serviceable boats by force. The damage protected the boat belonging to people who depended on the sea for their livelihood.¹¹

I imagine how upsetting that damage would have looked without knowing the reason. The story reminds me that what I can see is not everything there is to know. It doesn’t mean I can identify the hidden reason behind every disappointment in my own life.

I can still ask Allah to reassure my heart. Ibrahim’s request in Al-Baqarah 2:260 includes his desire for reassurance while affirming his belief. I relate to wanting that reassurance. Sometimes I understand more later, as I did with that relationship. Sometimes I may not get an explanation.

I also need to be careful with what I mean by protection. I can’t say that a person who loves Allah will never encounter an abusive or harmful spouse. The Quran presents Pharaoh’s wife as an example for believers while she asks Allah to rescue her from him and his actions.¹² Trusting Allah does not require ignoring the harm someone is doing.

Keep taking steps

Trusting Allah doesn’t mean sitting on the couch and doing nothing. The Prophet, peace be upon him, instructed us to pursue what benefits us, seek Allah’s help, and not give up.¹³

If you’re looking for work, apply to several places. Ask for interviews. Some places may reject you. Others may not respond. Keep looking, and consider what you can improve, without turning each rejection into “I’m not good enough.”

If you’re seeking marriage, take appropriate steps toward it. Think about the character and qualities you’re looking for, what you can offer, and what would make you incompatible. I wrote more about preparing for marriage here:

Ask questions. Get help from people you trust. Don’t let attraction make you overlook something you already know matters to you. I think this is a warning for both men and women. Beauty alone doesn’t tell us how two people will handle responsibilities, disagreement, or family life.

Modesty matters too. The Quran addresses both men’s and women’s conduct in An-Nur 24:30–31. I want us to look beyond appearance and take character seriously.

When I say we should make marriage easier, I mean removing unnecessary delays after checking compatibility and taking the proper steps. Make a clear intention, involve the appropriate people, and avoid turning the wedding into something so difficult that marriage becomes harder than it needs to be.

We can take those steps without deciding exactly when the outcome must happen or which person must provide it.

In At-Talaq 65:2–3, Allah speaks of a way out and unexpected provision for those mindful of Him. In the specific context of separation, An-Nisa 4:130 speaks of His provision for both spouses. These passages give me hope. They don’t tell me which job or spouse I will receive, or when.

Keep hoping, even when you don’t see the answer

I want us to expect good from Allah and keep making du’a. I also want us to ask for goodness in both this life and the Hereafter, as in Al-Baqarah 2:201.

The hadith about three responses to du’a helps me here. A Muslim’s supplication that involves neither sin nor severing family ties may be granted promptly, stored for the Hereafter, or answered by averting an equivalent harm.¹⁴

That means I shouldn’t judge whether Allah has answered me only by checking whether I got the exact thing I asked for. The Prophet, peace be upon him, also warned against becoming impatient and abandoning supplication because we think we haven’t received an answer.¹⁵

The Quran repeats the assurance of ease with hardship in Ash-Sharh 94:5–6, and speaks of abundant reward for those who persevere in Az-Zumar 39:10. Our hope extends beyond what we receive in this life.

There is a narration about a woman who suffered seizures. The Prophet, peace be upon him, offered her the choice of patience with Paradise, or his supplication for her recovery. She chose patience and asked him to pray that she would not become uncovered during the seizures.¹⁶ That account reminds me that the reward is not limited to receiving a worldly cure. It also doesn’t erase her request for help.

Another hadith teaches that even illness, sorrow, and hurt can be a means by which Allah expiates a Muslim’s sins.¹⁷ We don’t need to seek suffering to have hope that it will not be wasted.

So I want to keep returning to Allah, doing the obligations, repenting when I fall short, and seeking His pleasure. In the hadith about drawing near to Allah, the obligations come first, followed by voluntary deeds, and the narration speaks of His love and protection.¹⁸

If I’m still hurting, I can keep asking for help. I don’t have to pretend to feel happy about the situation before I make du’a.

What can you be grateful for now?

I’ve noticed how difficult it is to be grateful when all my attention is on something I don’t have. Everything else becomes less important because I’m waiting for this one thing to happen.

Allah promises increase with gratitude in Ibrahim 14:7. I want to practice that gratitude now, while I’m still waiting and still learning.

Look at what you have. Maybe it’s your health, your vision, food, shelter, or someone who cares about you. Maybe it’s being able to read and learn. There is nothing too small to be grateful for.

Even the internet gives us access to knowledge and people we might never otherwise reach. May Allah help us use what He’s given us in ways that benefit us, and keep us away from its harms.

I don’t want my contentment to depend entirely on a car, my appearance, social media followers, or another person’s approval. Those things can change. The Quran reminds us that what we have passes away, while what is with Allah endures.¹⁹

By contentment, I don’t mean that I’m smiling all the time or that I no longer want anything. I mean trying to be present with what Allah has given me, while continuing to ask Him and work toward what is good.

If you notice that you’re caught up in an outcome today, take a moment. Bring your attention back to where you are. Recognize what you’ve been repeating to yourself. Ask Allah for what is good, and take the next useful step without insisting that it must lead to the picture you had in mind.

Then notice something you can thank Him for right now.

May Allah grant us what is good for our deen, our dunya, and our akhirah, turn us away from what harms us, and make us content with the good He gives us. May He guide us to His pleasure and grant us Jannat al-Firdaws.

References

Quran quotation and verse summaries follow The Qur’an, translated by M. A. S. Abdel Haleem. Reflections and practical adaptations are the author’s own. Hadith passages in this article are summarised, not quoted as a new English translation.